THE CONCISE OXFORD CONTRACTORS DICTIONARY –

THE CONCISE OXFORD CONTRACTORS DICTIONARY –
OIL INDUSTRY EDITION

ACCOUNTANT:
1. Idiot who has to be told what to do.
2. Minor-god capable of destroying demonic beings (see TAX INSPECTOR).

AGENT:
Mythical being who lives at the end of the phone line but is still your absolute best friend ever (see DCM and CONTINGENCY PLANNING).

AGENTS MARGIN:
A supposedly small figure which is capable of big things, like buying big cars and foreign holiday homes.

BABE:
Unknown form of life, believed to exist in other industries.

BID DEPARTMENT:
Somewhere to work when you need a rest from the real world.

CLIENT:
A person who is convinced he knows what he wants. Usually proved to be incorrect.

COCK UP:
Anything done or any decision made by the CLIENT or by a STAFF MAN.

CONTINGENCY PLANNING:
(verb. ‘keeping ear to the ground’) Performed on a constant basis by all smart CONTRACTORS. Involves continuous updating of CV, frequent phone calls to mates and agents.

CONTRACTOR:
A person who actually knows how to do the job. Is also an expert on company law, taxation and offshore bank accounts.

CV:
A set of lies submitted to an agent and bearing no similarity to events or persons living or dead.

DAILY RATE:
HOURLY RATE multiplied by at least 10, but only requiring you to show your face in the office for 10 minutes each day.

DCM:
Don’t Come Monday (sin. Formal termination of contract). Extremely vulgar, only chance a
STAFF MAN gets to feel superior.

DRAFTSMAN:
Extinct species. Replaced by the self named SENIOR DESIGNER.

ENGINEER:
A term that can be used by any person who has ever picked up a shovel or changed a light bulb.

EXPENSES:
Money expended by CONTRACTOR in legitimate course of his business such as copious amounts of alcohol, golf club fees, lunch time sandwich money, holidays, etc.

GAS:
A by-product of OIL. To be stored offshore for the sole purpose of making really big flares on cold nights. Occasionally piped to the BEACH to be sold.

HOURLY RATE:
An imaginary figure for a job, always less than the correct figure.

IMMEDIATE REQUIREMENT:
Expression used by agents, which means 'you will not hear anything more about this job for at least 6 months'.

INTERVIEW:
One and only opportunity for the STAFF MAN to try to impress you with his expertise. Seldom effective.

JOB SATISFACTION:
Large weekly pay cheque.

LOCAL CONTRACT:
Any job within 300 miles of home.

LONG TERM CONTRACT:
Term used by agents to denote any job expected to last more than 20 minutes.

NATIONAL INSURANCE:
Similar Government scheme to PAYE. Another one to avoid.

OFFSHORE:
Place of refuge if the WIFE or KIDS are giving you a hard time.

OIL:
1. If prefixed by ‘crude’ then refers to black smelly stuff that you don’t want to get on your shoes.
2. If prefixed by ‘baby’ then refers to the substance used in massage parlours.
Note that only item 1 pays your wages, but item 2 is much more fun.

PAYE:
Government scheme whereby CONTRACTORS are invited to make donations to a Government charity. Not applicable if you have a good ACCOUNTANT.

PROJECT MANAGER:
1. Idiot if STAFF MAN. Extremely harmful and to be avoided at all times.
2. As happy as a pig in shit if CONTRACTOR. However, also to be avoided.

QA MANAGER:
Position available to all ex-welders from Tyneside who have forgotten how to weld.

QUIET WEEK:
Disease with often terminal results. See DCM and CONTINGENCY PLANNING.

RESUME:
A set of lies submitted by an agent to a client and bearing no similarity to CV.

SAFETY MANAGER:
Person who knows how to lie with statistics. Never seen offshore or in any place that could be considered dangerous or likely to get shoes muddy.

SAT DIVER:
Person with clotted cheese for a brain, to be made fun of when safely enclosed in a saturation chamber. To be avoided at all costs at all other times.

SENIOR DESIGNER:
A draftsman, person that despite having no ‘O’ levels has the unusual belief that he is smarter than the TAX INSPECTOR and VAT MAN.

SOME OFFSHORE WORK:
See SOME TRAVEL INVOLVED but with no gin and tonic and a toilet that is shared by 50 other people (half of whom don’t know how it works).

SOME TRAVEL INVOLVED:
Term used to describe a job that requires 364 days a year of sitting with your arse on an economy seat going to places where the local hobby is kidnapping people.

STAFF MAN (Vulg.):
A derogatory expression used to indicate all lower forms of life within our industry.

STATUTORY HOLIDAY:
Government legislation designed to reduce CONTRACTORS income.

TAX INSPECTOR:
1. Evil being, demonical thing (aka Beelzebub).
2. Nasty bogey-man used to frighten infant contractors.

TIME SHEET:
1. Agency time sheet – most important piece of paperwork completed each week.
2. Client time sheet – A device invented solely to annoy CONTRACTOR for at least 10 minutes each week.

VAT MAN:
Mythological evil being conceived without parents being married.